My Heart is Going Crazy

I am working on the benches of my kitchen table project. Yesterday, I was doing the final assembly of the pipes. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to screw the pipes together and then to balance the frame on the floor. To get it to level, one must do so in three dimensions: X, Y, and Z; otherwise, the bench (or the table) will look not quite right and will wobble. Today, I primed the bench. I was going to put on the top coat, but changed my mind. I want the primer to get a good solid dry overnight. I also repainted the wall with the top coat. The porch purple was still showing through and finally it is gone. The pretty sunshine yellow is actually a sunshine, happy yellow. After the benches are done, I am going to construct a temporary plastic enclosed facility on the front porch so that I can lay the polyurethane on the kitchen set and coffee table. I’ll have a heater on in there to keep the temperature up a bit. Hopefully, I won’t get too high like the last time. I was definitely manic after the poly in May from the work bench project. No more of that. After the furniture is complete, I will finish painting the kitchen cabinets and walls. It should be a bit more cheery in there. I still can’t get over why someone would paint kitchen cabinets the same color as a porch (that hideous purple). Of course, that hideous purple looks quite nice on a porch where your feet walk on it every day.

Anyway, why is my heart going crazy? I imagine it has to do with finally being in love after a very long time. I am just a little wary about the situation as anyone of rational mind should be; however, I want so much to jump in full throttle. It’s this tension between going all-in and holding-back that is causing my heart to go crazy. It is a wonderful feeling since I know the other party is also feeling the same tension. We are both mature, older adults and have both seen a lot of life. I don’t necessarily think we are jaded. I do think we are careful and intend on approaching this relationship in a well-thought out manner.

I’ve learned a whole bunch about myself in my over six year hiatus of not dating or even attempting to be romantically inclined. Yes, that was partly due to my desire to be a priest/celibate. That’s been resolved. I no longer desire to be a priest. I discovered I like have a woman at my side. There’s a gap somewhere inside of me that only a woman can fill and fortunately, I believe I found the lady that closes that gap almost perfectly; that silly trite expression of tomcruisian being-complete comes to mind. I really do feel like I am complete now that I am with this particular lady. It’s a tremendously weird feeling to be so at peace with oneself that finally having a girlfriend to be at peace with is a whole lot of fun. I am not going to ask for affirmation from past girlfriends; but I imagine they would agree with me that being with me is sometimes like being in a bag with a mad cat.

Yet, my heart is going crazy. It is a good thing. I am alive. I feel the warmth and tender caresses of someone who loves me. Simply looking into the eyes of this person confirms my deep suspicions that she too is in love with me as well. Her heart is going crazy as well. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to be a guy newly in love with a woman; since the 1980s. Wow. I really have no idea where we go from here. I am totally comforted that our communication skills are above par. We talk about everything; nothing is sacrosanct. Finally, in my 51st year of life, I get what it means to love unconditionally another person.

Funny, how this could not have happened until I rejected the nonsense of the Catholic Church. Don’t get me wrong. I still love being catholic. But it has its place; it belongs in a box under a bed to be taken out every once in a while so that one can remember what a load of nonsense and how imprisoning being in a box can be. Some folks like being in boxes. Just like God, I have no desire to define myself narrowly nor put myself in a teeny, tiny box. It was only after I rejected the box, did I find myself able to discover that my heart had the capability of being crazy mad in love. And yes, I am crazy mad in love and it is a glorious, glorious day when I see a sun shining on me and my love entwined and growing under her bright, beautiful and warming, golden rays.

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