My Little Brother Terry

On this day, in 1989, my little brother Terry took his own life. He and I share a similar childhood; full of the same traumas. We made different choices though. I never took the path of drugs to numb the pain of what was done to me. Terry did. In the end, Terry did what anyone who had suffered tremendously could do, he simply made a choice to end the pain. His choice was clouded by drugs, legal and illegal. He was on Haldol, which at the time was considered the drug of choice for schizophrenics, probably ought not to be used on anyone. He also had a long history of other drug use since early high school until his death.

I do miss my little brother Terry. I miss most of all the possibility of him coming to peace with himself at what happened to him as a kid. I might add, it took me until my 51st year to come to terms and slay the beast at the core of my being; only my act of slaying was merely recognizing the beast was really me as a brutalized and raped child. This too was the Terry who was trying to numb his beast; only his beast demanding more and more until it demanded Terry’s very life. I offer up my tears to my little brother Terry and my sisters, still living, who suffer still, from what happened to us as defenseless, unknowing, innocent children.

In retribution, something I normally withhold for its negative connotation and potential to bring back evil upon me, I demand from the rapist who did wrong my little brother Terry, my sisters, myself, and God knows who else, that you suffer all the evil you did to us. As you walk these green fields of a beautiful earth cursing those who do you good, that you be bound by all manner of foul beast and be brought low and be despoiled in the same way you despoiled us, causing us shame for all our days, preventing us from having enjoyable relationships, having to explain to future lovers why we don’t want to do this or that, why work sucks because we fear superiors, why we can’t get along with others, just to name a few. Yes, I do lay all these at your feet. You are a rapist of the worst kind. A rapist of children. A rapist of your brothers and sisters. A rapist of my little brother Terry who took his own life on this day in 1989.

To bind this with hope, I am in a good place. I have made peace with the beast who haunted me for so long. I am integrating my compartmentalized and dissociated selves. I have a love in my life who knows my past and has taken my hand as only a lover can. I go forward to a future creating good where darkness once hid. I am blessed and I give my gifts to those who willingly accept them. I thank all those who have in the past, now, and in the future will be a helpful part of my life. I offer my most sincere and deepest contrition to those I have ever hurt. It is a glorious future I see and I wish to share it with those of good and hopeful heart. I do this for my little brother Terry who did the best he could; as I do the best I can, I honor him. Thanks.

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