I am!

Not really though.  The problem is I don’t have an easy to define sexuality.  Since my sexual paradigm was destroyed when I was child and pre-teen, and I guess even during puberty, I never really had a chance to develop a normal sexual identity.

I thought for the longest time I would identify myself as bisexual.  I realized that was a wrong choice.  That choice was based on what happened to me as a child.  My first sexual contact was with men and it was not consensual.  It was rape.  A child cannot give consent in rape.  I did not have my first consensual sexual relation with a woman until my early 20s.  I did have sex with men; but only as a receptive partner.  I never realized I was only allowing myself to be raped over and over again.  My sense of self, while it appeared to be normal, healthy, and whole on the outside was anything but that.  I was still prone to repeated victimization.  It was only after my epiphany when I released my beast from captivity did I see what I had done to myself.  In some twisted rage and anger, I liked being raped; I felt unworthy of anything but being raped.  I saw myself as being unworthy of love.  I know my wife, Louise, felt that and knew that; but like me never knew why.

So now in my defining moment, I define myself not as a bisexual male.  To call myself a bisexual male gives praise and honor to rapists.  Fuck them.  I am fractured though.  I am incapable of defining myself as strictly heterosexual as well; even though I am, that is for me my choice as partner and mate.  That is my choice.  That is all I can give.  I make this choice as a survivor; as a man who weathered great evil, who made the choice to never harm any living soul, small or large.  So I guess on this day to support the men and women who truly are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, I post this icon to support them.  I post this for the men and women, because at an early age they were systematically destroyed, which practically made it impossible for them to ever make a free choice regarding any future sexual act.


Categories: Blog

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