Matters of the Heart

The slumber of my heart and mind are lifting.  The deep and dark depression that has clouded over me for over six years is lifting.  It took several things for it to finally dissipate.

I think seminary first of all kicked me in the ass to finally think about what my real core values were and what I would really stand up for in my life.  I know being in a misogynistic and self-loathing, self-bashing, anti-gay organization for the rest of my life was not going to be part of it.

My VA doctor put me on a really cool medication that was recently added to their list of drugs they could dispense to veterans.  While its prime use is not weight loss, which is why I needed it, it has use in treating bipolar disease which I do have.  I kind of noticed after a while my mind beginning to clear.  I also was able to articulate a profound sense of anger and hostility and I’ll discuss that in a bit.

I started back up with my IT studies as well.  I really like that stuff.  I was having trouble focusing and I talked to my doctor about attention deficit issues.  I went to the VA hospital in Richmond and saw another specialist doctor.  The bottom line from that was that yes, I was attention deficit but it was more than likely due from the bipolar fire that burns constantly in my mind.  During the consult, the doctor, of course, did an intensive psychiatric history and the trauma from my childhood rape that I suffered at the hands of my multiple childhood rapists came up.  I told the doctor that I had more than adequately dealt with it through the years with inpatient and outpatient care.  So I flippantly blew it off.  On my hour and a half drive back home, the banshee screams of my raped childhood clawed at my heart to get out.  It was really hard to drive home without crashing into anyone.  I think anyone who has ever been raped and revisits the trauma knows what I am talking about.

On my next visit with my psychiatrist, we discussed the findings of the specialist and I got another wonderful drug.  Within a month, I was feeling really, really free.  However, this freedom was in conjunction with the other work I started.  I told my doc about the other thing that I wanted hidden.  I confessed my need to explore what was going on with my anger and hostility over seminary and everything, especially how it related to the multiple times I was raped as a child and teenager by Mr. *** and ****.  So for over a month now, I have been doing outpatient psychotherapy dealing with this.  I realized childhood trauma of that magnitude never goes away and it just bubbles up.

Seminary really brought into focus how much I despised any sort of abusive personalities.  I saw many.  I saw the future of the Catholic Church in the eyes of these future priests and it greatly disturbed me.  There were a few there that were genuinely touched by God.  Most were not and it was these that in the future will be the ones causing shame to God, Holy Mother Church, the People they served and the children they raped.  It filled me with anger and sickness.  I hated it and this hatred kicked me in my ass and woke me up to where I am now.

When I was a child, I needed a place of safety.  The church was truly my place of safety and refuge from the evils that would penetrate me.  Fortunately for me, the priest that took me in protected me and nurtured me.  He was not one of the evil ones that hurt kids.  I think had that not been the case, I would have been a much, much more terrible person.  The church brought calm to my chaos.  While it restrained me and prevented me from an all-out assault on the world, it eventually became a mill stone around my neck in the deepest ocean of an unfathomable God.  It is this God that I placed all my hope and trust in when I make the choices I do.

There are two things that pressed on my heart and they are truly the matters of my heart.  One is whether I will find a future partner and the other is how best do I express what I have found by freeing myself from a religion caught up in Pharisaical diatribe drivel and minutiae.  These two I will discuss in a future post, for this one is long enough indeed.

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