I am still here.

All is well. I feel a great need to get a job. Living off my army pension is nice; but it does not allow much frivolous spending.
Got news that my ex-wife has breast cancer. She’s having surgery soon. Probably have to have radiation and chemo for that. Keep her in your prayers.
Been trying to get on the air with my ham radio. My antennas suck. No matter what I do, I just can’t get a decent antenna farm going. The radios are superb; however, without a decent antenna I am dead in the water. Of course, the snow on the ground affects SWR, so maybe all I need is the snow to melt.
I’ve started spiritual direction with my parish priest. Forgot how challenging that can be. On our second meeting, he asked what’s changed in the previous month. I couldn’t answer. He gave me homework: become more aware.
I feel like I am drifting into oblivion. I do plenty of things but I lack a sense of joy or accomplishment. When I was in the army, the mantra was “what have you done for me lately?” I ask myself that of my relationship with God, my community, my friends, etc, etc. What have I done for them lately? I wonder why doing things bring me no sense of completeness. I think I am doing the wrong things. I tried to come up with a bucket list to get my goal-oriented self moving again; but it didn’t work. I couldn’t come up with more than one or two things. I miss the army. I keep that to myself and I think that if I let that out perhaps I can move on with my life. It was such a big part of my life that now that it’s gone, I am empty. Devoid. But is this the reason why I feel such a profound sense of emptiness?
Divorce. I don’t talk about that much. I think some of the emptiness comes from that part of life. I hate being divorced. I still feel for my ex-wife. I haven’t moved on and I really don’t want to move on. I thing I don’t even know how to move on. I hear God telling me it’s time to move on. I reply to him that I don’t want to move on. I know I will have to move on for my own sake. Nothing will reunite us. God has a different plan for me. Part of me recognizes that unless I let go I will never be able to grab hold of something else. But is this the reason why I feel such a profound sense of emptiness?
I feel like I am plankton, adrift on a vast ocean.

Categories: Blog

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