I really don’t know what to think about our relationship. I know we have one. I just can’t put my finger on the type that it is. I feel that you not being my friend would be wrong. But whenever we get together, we clash. From my point of view, we clash, because it is my perception that you don’t listen to me or that you assume something about me. For instance, my last day in NOLA, you assumed that I would be upset about you having to leave me alone at your apartment. That would not upset me. What upset me was that you did not come straight out and tell me “Brian, I have to go to dinner for the priest, but I can’t take you with me for whatever reason.” (or words to that effect). My perception was that you were trying to deceive me. I feel that even to the end that you could give a flying rat’s butt whether I left or didn’t left. It really hurt me when you let me/you/us down.
I know I have lost my original naive sense of innocence. I dread that loss and I feel its absence. There is a darkness surrounding me like a shroud and I can’t shake it.
I need friends who understand that. I need my friends who knew me when. You knew me when. I know I can be a bastard. I get hurt easy with my supersensitivity. I get hurt because I fear being intimate with anyone.
I fear I am tainted by my employer. You know I have always felt that. My time is almost up. But I am not happy about that. I feel God tugging my inmost being. I am resisting Him. Much like the resistance you receive when you pull on me.
I am in the midst of a spiritual battle. Goodness and Evil are on both sides of me. Both cooing to me in the most gentle voices. Both give me pleasure. In this pleasure, I am blinded and in need of guidance.
Please forgive me. Call me and tell me how much you love me.