I wonder what that really means. I describe myself as a closet bohemian. I think I desire to be totally free of responsibility. What is it about responsibility that disturbs me? I wonder if I am having a mid-life crisis. I am not interested in doing things most people do when they have a mid-life crisis. You know, like buy a sports car or have an affair. Those things are just like so not the things I want to do during my mid-life crisis. I guess it started almost a year ago when I turned 40. My kids bought me a paddle toys with a ball attached to it. It was title “old fogey work out equipment.” It was made for those ‘over the hill.’ I guess I have a conflict with myself. I don’t feel over the hill. Yet society has conveniently labeled the 40s as over the hill or the time to have a mid-life crisis. I have lost sight of my life goals. I just don’t know what my goals are anymore. Yeah, I have a bunch of things written down. But I feel empty. A void is there that just sucks all my emotional energy out. OK, that’s the crux. My mid-life crisis is one of feeling void and empty. What shall I fill it with? I think I peaked too soon. I don’t have anything to offer society, except my smile and kindness. I can only offer a helping hand to those in need or for those who are hurting. I am weary of this life. I believe that a person must have direction. My direction does involve drawing near to God. I don’t have a problem with that. Work is fine. Family is fine. So what is it? I think it has to do with my predisposition towards depression. As y’all know, sexual abuse survivors have this pit in the stomach that just sucks all goodness out of life. I guess my pit is just acting up. I just need to scream. SCREAM.

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